Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, a Parody
by darthcarrot
Summary: It's the first chapter of something I made up a little while ago. Nothing good. Nothing special.


Chapter one

The story begins with a golden sunset casting across a clear gorge, its effects dazzling. We see two figures sitting by this, eyes staring hypnotically into the crystal aquamarine of the water.

The older man says, "You ever felt a strange sadness when dusk falls?...They say it's the only time when our world intersects with theirs…"

The young man only stayed silent. His beautiful golden brown hair billowed softly with the breeze.

"The only time we can feel the lingering regrets of spirits who have left our world…that is why…I'm so lonely at the hour of twilight…"

"What?" the young man finally speaks up, his name is Linkles. We have to stop to wonder, did the asian grandmother of Windwaker had anything to do with this?

The older man explains to him that he has a gift to deliver to the royal family, but, being the lazy bum he is, sends Linkles instead. "Never been to Hyrule, right?" my ass. "Explore the world" my ass.

It seems to us Linkles only speaks up when necessary, as he says nothing, but only leads Cow, his moblin, home to the village.

A young girl walks up and takes his moblin away; she is donned with a barrel. Linkles, however, is too busy brooding in his room to care. Sadly, another lazy man wants him to herd the goats. Linkles cries for another hour or so, and then comes down to get his moblin from the gorge.

When he gets there, he is relieved to see that the barrel girl is tending his moblin. After a long-winded make out session, he rides his moblin to the goat field.

His village is stunning, with its many lined up against the small bodies of water. However, Linkles, being the innocent young man he is, only stops at two before heading to the pasture. Then, he ushers Cow to do the job for him while he sneaks in a little time with the ranch hand behind the shed.

"Much obliged to y'all." The herder says. "Just jump that little boy if you want to quit."

Linkles blinks for a bit, and then rides back to the village, after jumping a poor little boy and robbing him of his lunch money…

The next morning, Linkles get up out of his Dora the Explorer bed, with the help of some neighborhood . It's a wonder he even has his own house…I bet he jumped another kid for that too.

"Like, oh, my, god. They're selling a slingshot and a box of condoms at the store. Real ones! I wonder how powerful it is…I…I need…I must try it…" says one of them.

The littlest one, a gigolo named Malo, giggles and bites a corndog.

Linkles rushes to the stop to get some…But first,

"Damn pumpkins! Stop talking to me!" screams Linkles as he attacks the pumpkin patch. Talk about problems…

An ugly man waves him up onto a hill, and he calls a hawk to send down the bees' nest. An angry swarm attacks the ugly man while Linkles hops merrily to Sara's Sundries.

He walks in and finds a hideous woman drinking some white, viscous liquid. Oh, it's just milk. Of course, she sends Linkles to get her cat, in a freakishly obscure way. Then, Linkles walks into a stranger's house, picks up the adorable little puppy, and tosses it into the raging fire. He leaves.

He then decides to spend some "quality time" with the ho's, fishing up little bokoblins from the little lake. Unfortunately, Sara's cat runs away with one in its mouth, leaving Linkles with an openly Justin Leong face. (For all of you who don't know who this is, it's the face he makes when he zones out, so….eyes blurred, mouth hanging wide open…) He runs after it and throws it into Sara's face, where it too, burns into ashes. Finally, after much Rupee-scavenging, or "I meant to do that" falls from walking around on tree branches, Linkles buys the box and returns to the ho's. They all brag some and run off, leaving Linkles with a wooden sword. Lame! He takes after them anyways, all the while muttering under his breath. Even lamer, he stumbles upon an afro man who forces nasty soup down his throat, along with a lantern. Linkles coughs and hiccups once or twice, and his stomach begins to glow a sickly yellow. Oh well.

Linkles heads into the dark cave, and with much wandering around aimlessly, finds Talo locked up with Mr. Parks. Tinkles pushes away to two Elvis impersonators and fress them both from a wooden cage.

"Hello Linkles…I've been…waiting…for you…" the freakish Spanish teacher croons.

"I regret this completely…" Linkles laments, and trudges back to the village and into his bed for a disturbing, restless night.

The next day, the girl in the barrel finds an injury on the moblin, and she takes Cow away, huffing and puffing. Real convenient, since without Cow's company, Linkles could never deliver the gift to the castle. So, he heads over to the bitch and slingshots her face with his used condoms a few times. Too bad she's paralyzed on the left side of her face. Finally, she gives Linkles back his moblin.

Just then, Mr.Naylor storms in and knocks him unconscious, taking Talo and barrelgirl away. After two seconds, Linkles wakes up and starts bawling like a baby.

He rushes forward to find them and finds himself being strangle-holded into the world of twilight. Linkles gasps dramatically, and then falls down to faint. A beast drags him away, and right next to the camera, we see a impish figure…

-


End file.
